On the most precious day

2nd of October 2024

We heard the heartbeat and felt so BLESSED and EXCITED but still really NERVOUS.

4th of October 2024

We started to share the news with close family members. We still felt so EXCITED and BLESSED but extremely NERVOUS.

5th of October 2024

Our wedding day As much as I wanted to sit down and smile not cry my head and my heart was in a million pieces.
Standing at the alter I didn’t even hold my husband’s hand! If I wasn’t stood still I was shaking. I felt BROKEN, ASHAMED and CRUSHED.

Everyone tried to say “don’t worry” “this happens” “it happened to me and still carried through” etc.

As much as I loved all the words nothing worked, nothing helped me forget and enjoy our wedding day. I just wanted the bleeding to stop I might have felt a little better if there wasn’t so much bleeding because I wouldn’t have worried about my beautiful dress I could have sat down and rested my feet…

Towards the end of the evening I did start to feel happy and enjoy my wedding day and just thought what will be, will be.

6th of October 2024

Not much happened, we drove to our mini honeymoon break in Anglesey. Not much happened like ZERO bleeding and I started to feel HAPPY again and that maybe yesterday was just a blip and that we were still pregnant…etc.

We started second guessing EVERYTHING and feeling HAPPY again.

7th of October 2024

It happened.
We went to Menai Bridge for lunch and sightseeing it’s such a lovely picturesque area.

We had lunch at Dylan’s Restaurant

Enjoyed some delicious lunch with beautiful sea views. The sea was so clear it was absolutely beautiful. The sun was shining with sky Blue skies not many clouds in sight for October weather it was great yesterday it was windy and chilly in the breeze but it was beautiful weather almost like it was a sign.

After lunch we said we’ll shop around and get some special sauce like from a farm shop. I had to use the toilet before we left…

I used the disabled toilet, sometimes I need the handles for extra support. My husband was waiting by the door of the restaurant not even by the toilets. He held my bag with my phone in so even if I wanted to call him he had my phone.

I didn’t really register what had happened. I just remember seeing blood in the toilet bigger than a 50 pence piece and the shape it looked like one of those slimy aliens in slime that you had in the 90’s. And I FLUSHED. Washed my hands and fixed my tears.

I didn’t even tell my husband straight away. I just wanted to hide away from the world and cry. He kept asking if I was ok and I just remember not saying anything to him or even lying to him “yh I’m fine.” “I’m ok” ~ I really struggle to lie to my husband even keeping a secret like what I’ve bought him for Christmas etc. He knows everything I think that’s the best way to be honest and open. ~ Anyway I lied to him… We got back to the car and I crumbled and the truth came out “I think it’s gone” and I just cried.

More passed Tuesday evening a bigger clot then Wednesday morning the last remains of the sac.
That was it everything felt BROKEN.

8th of October 2024

We were second guessing again and again, and like I said I didn’t register what had happened on Tuesday what I actually saw. We couldn’t cope with our emotions so we had a scan. And even when the gel went on we were both still hoping and praying.

I SAW the sonographer’s face and instantly realised.
At that moment she said “I just need to check something” I replied along the lines of “I know” whilst keeping a brave face for the sonographer.

I’m not really sure what happened after this other than going down a depression spiral not moving out of bed for a few days just depressed, having time off work and speaking to a therapist..

My husband thought maybe it was my weight that encouraged it to happen obviously we were both just guessing and blaming different scenarios. When we did think it was weight we tried the mounjaro injections to be ready for the next time we tried IVF which worked a treat… (Later we found out from the IVF consultant it had nothing to do with weight it was the quality of the egg.)

The images in my head back then were so vivid and glad the therapist helped me fix what I saw and how I remember it. I’m not going to lie I still remember the images but they aren’t holding me down anymore I can see past the event that happened I can see the future.

12th of October 2024

We drove all the way to Halifax, Yorkshire a 6 hour journey with a 9yr old in the back who didn’t know what was going on or where we were going. He has always wanted a dog ever since he watched Paw Patrol. We brought a cocker spaniel. He was the last of the litter and when we met him he was so calm didn’t bark just curled up with our son. He was clearly our family member. We named him Max! He has replaced my gap and fixed my SMILE! He is just as expensive. Mid to dark greens 💚 suit him best especially with his ginger locks🧡 And he’ll fix my SMILE until we get our 🌈 👣